I often hear from my clients that they’re severly overwhelmed and feel like they’re doing everything themselves with no help from other family members. Personally, I believe that if people are old enough to help make a mess, they’re old enough to clean it up, and running a household requires “all hands on deck.” In most cases, I don’t think that the household chores are maliciously neglected, but that the family doesn’t fully understand how not doing the chores are making my clients feel, don’t realize that they need help, or don’t specifically know to help.

So what’s needed here is a little communication, with an emphasis on how things are communicated being of utmost importance.

Step 1: Warm up. Everyone’s busy, so set the scene by letting your family know you have something important you’d like to discuss and schedule a time.

Step 2: During the discussion, calmly explain what isn’t working, how it makes you feel, and if/how it affects others and why this is important. Pinpoint the areas you feel need the most attention.

Step 3: Ask for help. They may not know that you even need it.

Step 4: Be specific. Instead of saying, “clean the kitchen,” say “Sweep the floor, bleach the counters, and load and run the dishwasher each night after dinner.”

Step 5: Create task lists. Create a list with each of your familiy members with tasks they prefer doing. For tasks that no one likes, rotate them between family members to keep it fair.

Step 6: Define what the end result will look like. If there’s a certain way you like things done, show them. The goal here is to be on the same page about what the end result will look like so you’re not disappointed and they’re not criticized when helping.

Step 7: Schedule it. Ask your family to schedule times they feel they can get things done to prevent nagging. Then ask them how they’d like you to handle it if they don’t carry through, like identifying special phrases you can say that will spur them to action without causing anger or resentment on either side.

Step 8: Offer praise and show appreciation. When the task is finished, always say thank you and let the other person know why their help was important to you and the impact is has on the whole family. Make a family fun list to reward yourselves for jobs well done.